i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I enjoy the company of your penis
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
