I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
