This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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