Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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