I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
