I just pynch a tree in the face
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
