Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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