is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
