been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
