If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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