Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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