i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
