Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
