Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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