I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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