I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
