Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
