i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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