Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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