I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
