if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
