I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
