Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
