P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
How naked do you want me to be?
tell me about the eggs
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
