My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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