Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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