When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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