did you get engaged???
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
