dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
