Pappa wants mamma naked
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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