I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
