Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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