is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Someone shattered a urinal.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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