We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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