His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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