Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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