maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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