I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
