Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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