I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we're making bets on your personal life
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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