I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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