dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
