brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
