Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
