i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
