ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
