There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Someone signed my nipple.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
