You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
