I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he fucked my hip out of place.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
