i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
