You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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