dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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