FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
